Church History, the last thousand years -- condensed!

Here's my condensed History of the Catholic Church, The Last Thousand Years:

In the High Middle Ages Church, from about 1054 to 1300: (i.e. from the final split with the East to a couple of decades after the death of Aquinas in 1274), God was pleased with us and He gave us Saints Francis and Dominic and Norbert, and capped 'em all with Thomas of Aquinas. Then in the Later Middle Ages Church, we embraced William of Ockam and Marsilius of Padua, and were cowardly enough to let the Kings of France hijack the papacy, so God gave us Luther & Co. as Chastisement. Learning our lesson, we prayed for mercy and He gave us the Jesuits (the original version; perhaps, pound for pound, the best religious order we've ever had) and the Counter-Reformation Church(1540-1648) full-flowered! We nearly retook all of Europe.

But then we threw it all away because of two Catholic Churchmen (the Prots weren't a real enemy: they were routed whenever faced with Truth, Faith, and Tradition). No, we shot ourselves in the collective foot again by idiotically electing that ass Maffeo Barberini as Pope Urban VIII, a braying donkey who promptly made a fool of the Church in the Galileo affair (because Galileo insulted him -- sure, let's make the Church into a harlequin for that reason! /sarc), and then Barberini wrecked the entire Counter-Reformation by betraying the Habsburgs in the Thirty Years War! How'd he pull off that feat? Barberini supported the French who were knifing the Habsburgs (also spelled 'Hapsburgs") in the back by supporting that atheist Richelieu! Idiota!.

So God kicked us off the porch and let us stew in the mud puddle bordello of the Bourbon Church, from 1648-1789. The Bourbon Church was summed up by the wry comment of Louis XV, when some cronies of his tried to foist one of their own on him for a lucrative Church post, "Gentlemen," Louis said languidly, in that droll way of his, "Gentlemen, the archbishop of Paris must at least believe in God."

We barely survived the following Great Chastisement God inflicted on us by means of the French Revolution and then Napoleon. Barely. The Vatican I Church was a desperate attempt at survival, a Festung Katholica, from 1846 to 1963, when it was morally defeated by World War I and World War II. The Modernists were already, like termites, eating it out from inside, but the coup de grace was that no one was interested in what the Church had to say about either world war, and the Church was impotent (and had been, since the Thirty Years War, actually) to stop either war, or stop the Darwinian-based slaughter of Jews, Gypsies, Capitalists, entrepreneurs, or whoever didn't fit the Nazi and Soviet-Man ideology. (Today, its de-masculinized and can't even fight off the lavender Mafia types who infest it!)

So it was merely washed away by the Modernists, who clandestinely organized before the Vat II Council and seized control of it in the first session. Therefore, ironically, what started out as German Protestants in the 19th century, incredibly, are German Protestants today, although dressed in Catholic colors, who fully and clearly desire to murder the Church entirely.

By "murder" I mean turn it into a 21st century Anglican/Lutheran Mess, Spaghetti Version.